About one year ago, in a workshop in Romania, we met a beautiful woman. Amazingly beautiful and smart. Working for a bank, absolutely miserable because of not having a relationship. We worked with her in a private session and the physical result of that is that she finally moved the ring from the fourth finger of the left hand to free up the space for a new relationship. Before she left, she said: “I would give everything for a relationship.”
Yesterday, she showed up. She is deeply in love with a man – and her own words were broke, jobless, frustrated, desperate. I am stuck, she said. A torid love story took her out of her job in Italy and got her into the house of the current boyfriend (yes, she asked for a relationship and she got one). She is structured, he is not. He tends to start lots of things and it gets difficult to finish them, therefore he is paid little and late. The financial insecurity is unbearable. A whole family lives in the same courtyard. Her beautiful nails are gone. She scrubs and cooks all day. She feels she has no energy and she cannot cry.
Where to begin with this situation that seems so familiar?
Exactly. What happens outside is a reflection of what we think about ourselves. How we feel inside. The roles in this couple had reversed. She is doing all masculine actions – looking for the money, organizing it, setting actions to clarify the legal status of the house, pushing her partner to accomplish more instead of supporting him. If the lion looks into the mirror and sees a ragged cat, that’s what he is.
What to do in such a situation? It is clear that everything starts from the way we think. If we keep thinking “I have no money”, “this relationship is not working “, “I hate this house”, this will give energy to the obstacle, not to the solution. Energy flows where attention goes. If your attention is going towards the blockage, you are just repeating and reinforcing the obstacle. Consolidating it. So, first action is to stop saying these words. Think about what you say, because it can be a blessing or it can be a curse. Stop cursing yourself.
Secondly, it is clear that the situation is one of lost femininity, so the prescription was about recovering it by focusing on what is feminine. Compassion, gentleness, intuition, softness, support, beauty, teaching. These are the elements of homework.
Thirdly, about applying all these: behaviors change in time. It takes at least 21 days for the mind to learn a new behavior, and up to 6 months to automate it. So, when you want to start working on something, choose one thing – such as looking at what you say – and practice that for at least three weeks. Assess the result and continue without slashing yourself if you are not up to par. Do not embark in tasks that produce a lot of discomfort. Choose methods and tools that speak to your heart, know that they are taking you on a journey of rediscovery and allow them so work on you like water: gently infiltrating, expanding, penetrating and finally mastering your new structure. It is a mental make-over, work it out gradually and patiently.
Make sure you have a supporter or a coach to assist with encouragement and support through moments of crisis or breakdown. And enjoy every bit of the process, because it leads you to a better you. A more authentic you. Good luck and congratulations for the courage to change something.